6 days......

...since I left Germany to come back to America, an event that 4 months ago I hadn't planned on occuring until June. I haven't really done alot since I've been back yet somehow so much has happened....weird. I been finding it crazy how when you are with somebody you love that time flys by at the speed of light, yet when you're apart it crawls slower than a turtle without it's hind-legs. It's like every thought holds a thousand times more weight than it normally would and every feeling that passes by seems like it's the last you'll ever feel. The end of it all is what keeps insanity at bay.........and all of that encompassed in the knowledge that it's all in the hands of God, the best place for anything to be. Whew, life is crazy! (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Independence

Finding out the true meaning of independence is something that requires much more sacrifice than I imagined. People, as much as they may tell you, don't truly support the idea of your independence, they won't just let you go, even when they tell you to spread your wings and fly. This is a fact that includes myself. I have found that true independence costs something, that something being a trust that you never think is necessary until you've realized you've already given it away. I don't want those people around me to go and do their own thing, mainly because it's not my thing. I've lost sight of what it is to become your own person, to let God mold and shape me into what He wants, not what everyone else wants. 

I've had to give up any idea of my life going exactly how everyone has told me it will and grasped on to the fact that my loving Father has something much better, much more exciting for me than the life I imagined growing up. There's been a great discovery within myself: I've grown up with certain ideas and mindsets pressed and engrained into my brain, into my dreams, these things must be dug out, uprooted, and thrown away (after careful examination of their validity). 

Living the life God has for me has never been anything I've expected but rather it's been everything I could ever have wanted. The Creator of this world truly does know what's best for me, and what's best for me isn't a miserable life of slaving away at work I don't want to do! What's best for me is what I will look back on and praise God for! 

True independence is something that doesn't simply happen like a leaf falling away from a tree in Autumn, rather it's something that must be taken by a graceful and loving force, knowing that God is behind you all the way. True independence isn't independent at all, but it's the act of taking man's dependence away from himself, from the world, even from other men, and placing it in Jesus Christ.

Life on a whole other level

The past month has been one I can't simply let fall behind me like so many others in my life, it's been full of feelings I've never felt before, thoughts I've never thought before, responsibilities I've never realized existed in the way that they do. I've been truly learning to care for someone other than myself and have had to begin thinking about my future with my right hand holding on to her left rather than dangling at my side. It's been a crazy and beautiful thing, realizing the role of Christ's love not only in the midst of fellow believers but also in the building of a relationship that is meant to reflect His love for the church in a way that only it can. Recognizing my feelings and thoughts towards her and thinking how those feelings are the very same that Jesus feels for every one of His beloved, except in Him they are infinitely better, stronger, and purer.

What a motivation in my walk with Him! I thank God that He has used this to point to Himself in such a powerful way, for revealing more of who He is and showing just what He meant when we read of being created in His image.

I'm excited for the future, for continuing in my relationship with the woman of my dreams and for growing in my relationship with the Creator and Saviour of this world, after each day being able to look back and see His grace so evident with each breath I take and every step in my walk.

Inside this bubble.

I feel like I've been fooled for so long now. I had my eyes on the heavens but in a way I can only describe as selfish. For years I've been told to focus my eyes on eternity, which is something I do not discount and in fact now take even ore seriously than I have before. However, what caused me to see it as selfish in myself was the fact that it was not a true reality to me, that it made me focus on things in a way that completely disregarded the world around me. I have been living in a bubble.

Jesus, the man, God, lived a perfect life on this earth, perfectly focused on the eternal, in fact, He IS the eternal, He IS the reality. How did He live his life then? Did He focus on His own relationship with the Father to a place of complete ignorance of the world? Not in the slightest!!! He was the perfect example of living in the world yet not being of the world. He walked in such perfection that His own well being proved to be of absolutely no concern to Him. He knew His place in heaven and due to that was able to have the utmost care for the world. There was no conformity in Him to the things of earth, rather He went and made the world confused, amazed, and even angry at His actions and attitudes. What a man, what a God!

As a Christian I have been seeking more to be like Christ than seeking Christ Himself. That's where the selfishness comes from. It is of no benefit for me to be like Christ if I don't know Christ, for am I brought to salvation because I am a good imitation? Do people see Jesus in me simply because I act like Him? We're fools for believing that. We are saved by Him! By knowing Him! By believing in Him! People see Him in us not because we act like Him but rather because His love is in us! Because we cannot love if we don't know Him and we cannot know Him if He did not first love us.

In the end of all of this, there is only one true conclusion for me to have drawn: That is that I am in this world, exactly where God wants me to be. Some say we are meant to be with God and thus are truly only meant for heaven. To this I partially disagree. I find that we are meant to be with God and are meant to be wherever He has us right now, with the end of it all being face to face with Him. We are seated with Christ in the heavenly places right now! Do we know this?! This world may not be my home but it is where I am right now and is thus the place God has me to be, the place where I am to seek Him now, to share Him with everyone right now, to worship Him now, to praise Him now, to do all the things now that I am going to be doing for eternity. Finding and living for Him now is not a head-start on heaven, it's simply the start of a life we are already living and going to live forever.

I pray this all makes sense.

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

Being away.....learning to pray

Having been out in Germany for almost two months now I thought any homesickness would have passed. Well, it hasn't. However being forced to pray about things rather than address them in person has been a tremendous encouragement in my relationship with Christ. I know it's a long lesson, that of prayer, to learn the true helplessness we hold in our flesh, yet in contrast seeing the true power of God at work in every area of our lives. Although so much is on my mind, to worry about, to stress over....I know that God has everything set in place for a reason and a beautiful reason at that, and the only thing I can do is pray, knowing that there is no better place for anything than in His hands.

If it weren't for God's peace in my life I would be a wreck. My emotions are so back and forth sometimes I think I'm bi-polar; it's only by the grace of Him that I can say I love my life. I say that not to point out that my life is miserable, only that I see no point in living for anything else and if our lives were void of the grace of God we'd simply be animals spending all our time hoarding food for the winter that will never come (and believe me on this, some of us live that why in spite of knowing the truth). No matter what happens, extremely good or terribly bad, there is only one place I have ever found peace, only one place I have ever been able to stand on solid ground....that place is in Jesus Christ! 

.....Jesus was reclining at the table.....

"Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, 'Why is your teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners'" (Matthew 9:10, 11).

Oh how the church has become filled with Pharisees, even more so than in the days of Christ. I dare not exclude myself from this group. Far too often have I looked upon what people call the "scum" of the world with the same harsh judgment and criticism. I think my relationship with Jesus is often based too much in my own comfort zones, my own ideas of what is good and right. What a staggering thing to look at the sins of others and then compare them simply with the thoughts of your own heart. To think it is the same as doing it, it just has different consequences. One may harden one's skin, but it's infinitely worse for one to have their heart hardened.

I exhort you brothers and sisters, examine you're self, pray for conviction of sin, love others for who Jesus says they are, and not for a moment wish for the world's eyes. When we've seen Love for who He truly is, love is all we can give.

Overdue Blog.

Man, I haven't been on this thing for awhile....crazy. Welp, I've been here at the Bible College in Siegen, Germany for about a month or so. It's been awesome, I already feel totally at home and comfortable with the country again. Praise the Lord! We're in the 3rd week of classes here and I can totally see the Lord doing so much in everyones life, especially my own.

God has been revealing so much to me lately, so much of my sin that I have had to confess, so many blessings to thank Him for, etc.. It's been extremely difficult for me but I know that in the end of it all God will be glorified and I will have an even stronger hope than I did before. I am learning to find peace in Him in the midst of all the distractions that are around me, something I have never been able to do. His peace is so amazing, what a great thing it is to serve such an amazing God!

Also, our outreach week is coming up this October and I'm gonna be going with a group to England! We'll be visiting Bristol to pray over the city as some have a desire to plant a church there someday (hopefully soon!). We'll then be going to a church in East London to serve there and minister wherever they have need of us. Pray that we will be completely of the same mind and that our hearts will be knit together in Christ, that our work will be more effective as we want to be 100% surrendered to the Lord's will.

Well, all in all things are great, although there has beena little stress here and there, the Lord is faithful to be my rest as I abide in Him.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

A short time at home until.......

I go back to Deutschland!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that's Germany by the way ;-) )

I'm gonna be at home for the next few weeks until I fly out on the 23rd of August. I haven't been there since I went to school at Calvary Chapel Bible College in Spring of 2007. I had been praying that the Lord would allow me to go back and after over 2 years and several false alarms (as I like to call them, because while God is totally and completely in control, I can get a little antsy) He finally opened the door and I'm going to be taking part in the school's 10 month internship program. 

1st John 5:11..."And the testimony is this, that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son".

"Seek the Lord while He may be found...."

I was very blessed this evening in reading Isaiah 55, hearing of God's goodness towards us sinners. As someone who often takes pride in my knowledge of scripture I find it awesome how God turns it around to show me how little I know. Not only that, but knowledge of the Word without wisdom to apply it makes one twisted and confused individual. However God is gracious and is so quick to give me that wisdom when I ask for it. I just want to be sure to share that the first wisdom given to us by God is to show us how Christ's blood is applied upon us filthy sinners. That is through confessing our sins, being transparent, allowing the Light to shine through us, revealing and casting aside the darkness that sin brings inside us.

I go about thinking I am so great, mistaking my pride for some sort of "spiritual" confidence. It's one thing to be confident in our salvation but when we try to take what we learn in the word and try to force it on others without any care for them whatsoever it immediatly becomes a bond of legalism. Brothers and sisters, we need to be confident in our Saviour, and when that is true of us we shall see how little confidence we can put in ourselves (Zero confidence to be exact). That's one thing I struggle with each and every day and must simply seek God while He may be found, to sit at His feet and be content in Him, not to make myself feel high and mighty about how much I know but to show how awesome God is in how much He knows (which is everything by the way). "My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, declares the Lord" Amen huh? 

As we seek God and simply always go to Him, acknowledging Him in everything we do, He says that we "will go out with joy and be led forth with peace...". A lack of peace is the most terrible thing I think a believer can experience. That lack of peace combined with self-confidence creates a miserable Christian, not taking hold of the promises we have recieved from our Great God and ending in self pity whenever we fall short of our own carnal and spiritual goals.

Simply put, take no confidence in anything in yourself, repent of your pride, your bitterness, your disbelief, ask the Lord to show you your places of sin and when He does: Repent of it. Jesus died so that we could be freed of those things, to get rid of the guilt that accompanies our sin. That is true freedom: Being able to say we are wrong and He is right!

Slow it down

Life is full of so many decisions and things to worry about in the midst of them, what do I do! Seriously, not that I'm stopping and breaking down from too much stress or a lack of wisdom but I feel I never have time to just wait and reflect on what's been going on in and around me. I guess that's something God's been telling me I need to do lately, to just relax and look at my life, the events and people rushing by around me and just thank Him for the air, to observe the trees and ocean a little bit. I'm often very critical of the way many people are going nonstop even when they're sitting in a chair and watching TV, now I'm realizing more and more: That's me!

The words "Be still and know that I am God..." are echoing in my mind with such conviction that it would be disobedient not to! I could really stand to be more appreciative of this life I have with Jesus, rather than try and stuff so much into my life. I repent for all those hurried studies of the Word, for the quick and selfish prayers that when compared with my attitude might as well be going into thin air. My God is intimate and Personal, I know that, but Jesus may my life and my thoughts truly reflect that!

1st John 3:1

I was just now reading this verse and as I did I could imagine both the joy and the awe John must have felt as he wrote this. What a great and fantastic love this is, that we are called God's children!
I feel lately that I've been taking this for granted, forgetting just how much God loves me. The Lord is so good, yet I can still look at things so negatively and so hopelessly.
What ridiculous creatures we are, to be able to go from one emotional extreme to the other so quickly. Praise Jesus He is not this way. James says that in Him there is no variation or shifting shadow, and Hebrews tells us that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Then, in 1st John 2:28, we are told to "...abide in Him, so that when He appears, we may have confidence and not shrink away from Him in shame at His coming".
I can do nothing to give myself any lasting happiness or joy, for everything that I do disappears as soon as I get it, but in Jesus there is such a wonderful and lasting hope that I can't help but grab onto every bit of it. What an awesome and glorious God we serve, who loves these filthy sinners so much that He cleans them right up and calls them His children!

Daily thoughts and readings

Lately I've been looking at topics such as the debate on homosexuality, abortion, etc., and I get this sick and empty feeling when I see the hate and anger that arises within people when these topics are "discussed". If we would only look to Christ and the Word we would see the answer to these things! We will never win the battles by trying to persuade someone who's mindset and worldview is on another planet than ours. As followers of Christ, are we called argue our points to the death? No, we're called to love one another, to imitate Jesus, and to seek first the kingdom of God. Although we should not back down when it comes to right and wrong, we need to be equally as prone to prayer, to gentleness and love. Don't get me wrong, there is a time to show our zeal, to fight the good fight, and the Spirit will lead you in it, but our first reaction needs to be prayer; going to God and asking for wisdom, for a way to deal with the situation at hand and to do it in love.

As Christians we must know Christ more than anything else! If we have all the knowledge in the World yet don't know Christ we are wasting our time and our lives! Are we to simply know about Christ? It's more than that! Let's know Him, personally, get in the Word, seek Him in prayer! What is our time spent on? Games? Movies? Sports? Let's first give our days to Jesus!

We cannot forget that we are only sinners saved by the Grace of a powerful and loving saviour. I do that very thing (forgetting) far too often and I become critical and harsh, creating arguments and divisions that do everything but glorify Jesus Christ. Now, let us repent of our sins, confessing them to Jesus that we may be cleansed of them for He is so faithful to do so, let's seek God while He may be found, denying ourselves and laying down our own wants and desires to more earnestly follow Him!